I had a lightning-struck heart and my gods did it beat.
Title: The Lightning-Struck Heart
Author: T.J. Klune
Why you should read this book: Because it is one of the funniest and sweetest book I have read in a while.
Summary from Goodreads:
Once upon a time, in an alleyway in the slums of the City of Lockes, a young and somewhat lonely boy named Sam Haversford turns a group of teenage douchebags into stone completely by accident.
Of course, this catches the attention of a higher power, and Sam’s pulled from the only world he knows to become an apprentice to the King’s Wizard, Morgan of Shadows.
When Sam is fourteen, he enters the Dark Woods and returns with Gary, the hornless gay unicorn, and a half-giant named Tiggy, earning the moniker Sam of Wilds.
At fifteen, Sam learns what love truly is when a new knight arrives at the castle. Sir Ryan Foxheart, the dreamiest dream to have ever been dreamed.
Naturally, it all goes to hell through the years when Ryan dates the reprehensible Prince Justin, Sam can’t control his magic, a sexually aggressive dragon kidnaps the prince, and the King sends them on an epic quest to save Ryan’s boyfriend, all while Sam falls more in love with someone he can never have.
Or so he thinks.
“You know what they say, once you go dragon, all the rest is just laggin’.”
“No one says that,” I said. “Absolutely no one.”
This will be a review with many quotes because I loved every single word written in this book and I felt like sharing them with the world.
This book was a surprise (read: I F****** LOVE THIS BOOK — I don’t swear, I’m a princess); I really didn’t expect to love it this much. It’s one of my favorites and I will recommend it to everyone all the time. I was completely in love with it since the first page; seriously, first page. I highlighted more quotes in this book than I’ve ever done to any book ever. Even more quotes than The King’s Men, my other favorite. It is that great, trust me. Everyone needs to read it.
If I have to explain why I loved it so much, I wouldn’t be able to do it. It just felt right, the right amount of everything. So many humorous moments, so much sass and everything just felt wonderful. A kingdom in which you can love whoever you want, in which being different is not bad, everyone is accepted and it’s wonderful. Why it has to be difficult in real life? It shouldn’t, and that will always bother me.
“I don’t have time for all the relations and courting and wooing bullshit,” I said. “I’m a wizard. I have quests.”
“Uh, you’re an apprentice,” Gary said. “And you’re sent on errands.”
Sam of Wilds is the hilarious main character. He is an apprentice wizard and he is 95% fan boy, and 5% puns/jokes, all in the body of a gracious sexy hugger whom everyone seems to want to have sex with. His life is all kinds of absurd, danger follows him everywhere. Is he cursed? Of course not, but I don’t want to exclude it, it seems really weird that he finds himself in those awkward situations.
“Sam said he doesn’t have time for a boyfriend, much less Knight Delicious Face.”
“Remind me why you call him that?” Pete asked.
“Uh, pretty simple, Pete,” I said. “He’s a knight. And his face is delicious.”
Our delicious boy is crazy in love with the Knight Commander Ryan Foxheart, Prince Justin’s boyfriend. He loves him so much; he is also part of his fan club in which meetings he goes disguised as bearded Mervin, the only guy there.
I was too busy writing sad ballads to unrequited love in my head and planning a life where my hand would be my boyfriend.
Sam is really perv when it comes to Ryan, he says the most hilarious and embarrassing things when he thinks or talks about him. I think Sam is a national treasure and the world should worship him.
“Sam’s just dealing with some issues. He recently came to the realization that he’s a twenty-year-old virgin prude.”
And the winner for the best sidekick everyone wishes for is…..GARY, the hornless gay unicorn!! I’m trying to picture Gary but it’s so hard because there is so much about him. He is everything, EVERYTHING. It’s impossible to describe him. You know he is a unicorn without his horn, he is beautiful because, well yeah, he is a unicorn, a majestic magical creature. He is also the funniest unicorn in existence. How can you describe the perfect sidekick a mind could think of? The answer is, you can’t. You have to read this book and find out for yourself. Gary is the best and no one can deny it.
“Too bad you’re like my older sister. We could have been something special.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “Older? You’re seventy-six!”
“Boo, you whore,” he said.
When a unicorn is not enough to go on adventures with, having a half giant is what you’re looking for. Tiggy is sweet, deadly and adorable! He loves with all his half giant heart and if someone wants to hurt the ones he loves, he won’t hesitate to SMASH you! That’s right, SMASH YOU! Their trio is wonderful; they support each other, make so much fun of each other and save each other. They are family and it’s adorable.
“Sam never gonna find a boyfriend,” Tiggy said. “No one gonna take his flower.”
The wizards!! Morgan is Sam’s mentor and he has to live with all the weirdness that is Sam since he took him as his apprentice. Sorry, Morgan, that sounds like a hell of a job! Morgan is fun, a little cryptic and, even if he doesn’t want to show it too much, he loves Sam with all his heart, weirdness, puns and everything. Who can blame him? Sam is awesome.
Randall is the oldest wizard still alive; nobody knows how old he is. When you need someone to officiate a wedding, you call Randall. You also go to Randall to face the Trials, become a full wizard and acquire a wizard name that will bring fear and greatness to your life. In other words, Randall is fantastic! He is also funny as hell. This book is funny as hell, haven’t I already told you that I love this book?
“Because you love me,” I said, sounding smug.
“More like you grew on me,” he said. “Like fungus.”
Let’s talk about Ryan. Knight Commander, the prince’s fiancé, the love of Sam’s life, perfect human being, dashing and immaculate. That Ryan. He is clearly in love with Sam. It is so clear it’s painful to watch them interact. It is also super funny but that’s because with Sam, Ryan is a different person, he smiles a lot and it’s sassy beyond compare. If he loves Sam, why is he going to marry the prince? Ehhhh, you’ll see, you’ll suffer, you’ll cry! Maybe not cry, but you will suffer a bit. Don’t make my Sam cry, you beautiful monster!!
“Everything wants to have sex with him,” Ryan said. “Really?” Mama asked. “Everything. Imagine that.” “Dark wizards,” Ryan said. “Tiny men with wings. Fan clubs. Dragons. Guys with weird ears because apparently that’s sooooo cool and whatever, you know? We all have ears. Gods.”
Jealous much, pretty boy? Ryan was so jealous it was hilarious! Literally everyone in the kingdom could see how much they were in love with each other. Everyone but Sam, apparently, because he is oblivious, the most oblivious guy ever existed.
So what is going to happen when the dashing Knight Commander joins the magnificent trio, Sam, Gary and Tiggy to go rescue Prince Justin who was kidnapped by a Dragon?? Everything happens, people get molested by trees, tiny naked humans want to do nasty things with their tiny tongues, half elves want to taste every inch of skin on your body, flirting becomes very awkward to people around, and the truth may come out in the most random way ever.
Still not convinced? Let me look for another quote but, dears, there’s not enough space for me to write them all. Everything about this book is perfection.
Pretty much an all-consuming, forever kind of love that is really gross for other people to witness because I want to stare lovingly in his eyes and call him boo and mini-muffin. It’s awful to say that out loud. I know.
This is it, that’s the feeling, that’s the struggle. Sam, I feel you!
I’ll wrap this up with what I think summarize perfectly why I love this book:
I looked at them. A hornless gay unicorn built out of rainbows and bitchiness. A half-giant who wanted to smash everything. A dragon who winked and flicked his tongue at me. A prince who I wanted to protect but also punch in the face. A knight I had a heart boner for. “We’re doomed,” I moaned again. “Doomed.”
Do I recommend it? Yes, read it RIGHT NOW.
☆: It made my “favourite books” list